You know what’s frustrating? Watching your perfectly capable, intelligent parent engaging in something that makes your heart stop, like standing on top of a chair to grab something out of the cupboard, and then cavalierly dismissing your concern as if you were the crazy one.
I mean, really. These are the same parents who made us wear helmets to ride our bikes around the block, the same parents who checked on us seventeen times at a sleepover, even the same parents who had eyes in the back of their heads when we were “doing things”. Now they go around believing they are immortal?
What is especially maddening (and it took me so long to finally understand this) is that there is logic behind what seems like pure stubbornness. Knowing why they resist assistance is half the battle of keeping them safe without starting World War III every time you visit.
The Real Reason Behind All That Resistance
Let’s be completely honest about what is really going on. Your parent has spent decades being the person that everyone turns to. They solved problems, made decisions, and executed everything. Having other people worry about them is totally new territory and completely uncomfortable.
Take a minute to think about how it feels from your parents’ perspective. One day they are changing your diaper and teaching you to drive, and the next your are worried about their safe when they climb the stairs. That is enough to mess with you head a little. There’s also this concern that agreeing to any support is like opening the floodgates. You agree to assistance with grocery shopping and then a friend thinks that means they will take your car keys. It sounds paranoid until you think about how often that’s exactly what happens in families.
Money is another piece of this puzzle. Many seniors are squeezing every dollar out of their budget and, even though they’d hate for their kids to spend money on services or in general, they would prefer to deny themselves even more money and use that money to make their kids’ lives easier. Pride and practicality get so tangled up here.
Creative Ways to Make for Safer Experiences
Sometimes you just have to get creative. Instead of saying, “We need to talk about safety” (which is going to set everyone on edge, including the person at risk), introduce changes that don’t seem or feel like an intervention.
Home improvements play better than modifications for safety, even though they are literally the same. Your dad may even balk at grab bars, but be perfectly fine with saying you are “updating the bathroom hardware.” Better lighting throughout the house? That is just to make the place nicer.
Technology can also help here, but again, you just need to be clever in the way you discuss it. A tablet for FaceTime or video chatting with the grandkids will be accepted way quicker than something called a ‘senior safety device.’ You can frame the introduction of wearable medical alarms for seniors as something to get your attention if they need anything picking up while you’re out. The same goes with voice assistant technology. A voice assistant is a fun gadget until a person needs that tool to turn lights on and off and they can’t get up.
The trick is to make everything feel like convenience, instead of accommodation, which, if you think about it, is really what it is to be.
Creating a Support System (Like It or Not)
It is impossible for you to do this alone and you shouldn’t even try. The good thing is that the vast majority of people are more welcoming to lending a hand than you might believe—assuming of course that mom and dad have been decent neighbors and community members over the years.
Neighbors who have lived next door to your parents forever might notice changes your mom and dad don’t notice. They notice when they don’t see your mom and dad walking the dog, or don’t see them picking up their mail, or some other habit that has changed. A casual “Hey, keep an eye on things” will go a long way and you’ll be surprised at how many neighbors are willing to go out of their way to offer assistance, without it feeling like a “favor”.
Professional services sometimes seem to get accepted quicker than family. Avoiding emotional baggage sometimes makes it easy to hire assistance. Your mom may refuse to let you clean the house (because you’re her child), but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be open to hiring someone else. Business rather than charity.
The Emergency Talk Nobody Wants to Have
Here’s the part where things get messy, and a place where most families stall. No one wants to think about an emergency or a trip to the ER—right? Well, it does happen. Especially when you don’t think instead of—”When” thinking sets in, that could be all the difference between a less scary story and tragedy.
This is truly where something like transitions from something nice to have to truly necessary. But good luck mentioning that without starting a fight, right?
It all depends on how you frame it. Don’t focus on everything that could go wrong – all that does is make everyone anxious and defensive. Instead, think about it as allowing them to keep doing everything they are doing now, only with a safety net.
The days of medical alert systems being those big clunky things on the TV commercials are gone. Some look like a normal watch or jewelry. Some are small enough nobody would even notice. The technology has improved a ton, and frankly it has become way less noticeable.
Making It Feel Like Their Idea
This may seem manipulative, it’s really just good psychology. People are much more likely to accept changes if they in some way feel ownership over those changes. Instead of presenting your parents with a fully formed safety plan presenting parents their complex, and supportive, adult children. Instead of telling your parents what they need consider engaging them on the promoting factors so they feel like they are part of the decision process.
Ask questions instead of making statements. If I a configure, “What would make you feel safer if I was home” works much better than, “You need to get a medical alert device.” Instead of taking the state agency on you, let your parents come to threshold with the amended conclusions. Their answers of your predetermined could presented themselves.
Sometimes the angle that works is actually acknowledging just how much you worry. You may have many of `61 parents who will not accept plans supporting them instead seem it is understand how their safety actually makes it better for their child’s lifeworks. Not guilt, just connecting a larger family conversation on what means best for children.
Tonight feasted on warm eat supported with your children retenance. Do not wait to initiate these discussions until after something scary or dangerous has happened. It feels like you are taking advantage of their vulnerability. Instead, I have found that universal check ins on regular basis work much better than single intervention at crisis point.
When to Call in Reinforcements
There are instances when you are just to close to the situation—no matter how much you love each other—to be effective. A social worker, occupational therapist, or even their doctor may simply suggest exactly the same things in a way that is respects the individual, the history and family background, parents and what is needed and question our loved one to engage your loved one to make the same decision.
These professionals also can do home safety assessments that feel more official than personal. They also know, and can connect you, with resources and programs you had no idea existed. From one community to next what services are available is very different. Figuring all that out when you are already worried about so much else is overwhelming.
Small Changes, Big Impact
Consider this something that took me an awful long time to learn: safety does not have to be completely perfect to work. Small changes can have a very big impact, and small changes are usually much easier to get people on board with.
For example, having a cordless phone in each room means help and connection is always available. Adding motion lights can prevent falls or someone tripping in the middle of the night. Non-slip mats in the shower take two minutes to install a and yet prevent a great deal of accidents.
The goal is not eliminate every possible risk that is impossible and frankly, it probably would make everyone crazy to try; but to limit the risk of a danger that seems to not need to be present while trying to keep things as normal as possible.
When to Call in Reinforcements
Every family figures this out different for themselves. What works for a neighbor, or another family member, may be a disaster for your parents. But, the underlying theme doesn’t change that people will accept the safety measure better when feels closer to them as a partner in decision rather than the patient managed.
It takes patience. It takes creativity. You may have to try things multiple times. But keeping the people we love and want to keep both safe and happy takes all of that time and effort, even when treating them with love and grace and even when they are being truly impossible.
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